Understanding Conflict in Relationships: What Every Couple Needs to Know
- Lawrence Flynn
- May 27
- 7 min read
Updated: Jun 16
Relationships-Couples May 2025
Conflict May Be Growth Trying To Happen
Conflict in a relationship doesn’t mean something is broken for the couple; it often means something important is trying to surface. In healthy partnerships, conflict is not the adversary, but dysregulation, disconnection, avoidance, and unresolved emotional agony are. The way couples recognize, approach, and work through conflict often determines whether their bond grows stronger or begins to progressively erode. As clinicians, we see that most couples don’t need to eliminate conflict; the couple needs to instead seek to better understand the type of conflict they’re having, identify the emotional needs behind it, and develop new strategies for emotional coaching and repair. In this training, we will break down the three major types of conflict (perpetual, gridlocked, and unresolvable), why they matter, and how evidence-based emotional regulation tools can transform moments of tension and conflict into opportunities for healing and deeper connection.
The 3 Major Types of Conflict in Relationships
Perpetual Conflict
Definition: Recurring, manageable, but emotionally persistent conflict. Perpetual conflicts stem from fundamental differences in values, personality traits, preferences, or lifestyle choices. These issues are not inherently "fixable" because they are rooted in who each partner is, not just in behavior.
Common Examples:
One partner is highly structured; the other thrives in spontaneity.
Disagreements over cleanliness, organization, or punctuality.
Differences in emotional expression, one wants to talk, the other prefers solitude.
Ongoing tension over how much time to spend with extended family.
Why it matters: Left unspoken or unmanaged, perpetual issues become emotional landmines. But when normalized and respectfully discussed, they offer a path to mutual understanding and compromise. These conflicts can shift from painful patterns to opportunities for empathy and teamwork.
Therapy Goal: Normalize the existence of perpetual differences. Use curiosity and communication tools (like Gottman’s "dialogue about perpetual problems") to help partners talk about the issue rather than try to solve it.
Gridlocked Conflict
Definition: Stalemate conflict that leads to emotional shutdown, resentment, or hopelessness. Gridlock occurs when a perpetual conflict becomes emotionally stuck, fueled by criticism, defensiveness, or unspoken emotional injuries. These conflicts trigger identity-level vulnerability, making repair difficult without intervention.
Common Examples:
Stalemates regarding health, communication, love language, intimacy, parenting, finances, etc.
Recurring ongoing fights about major life decisions: parenting, relocating, or career choices.
One partner feels consistently dismissed around various life issues, spiritual or political beliefs.
A history of betrayal or unresolved trauma resurfacing in arguments.
Red Flags:
The same argument resurfaces frequently without resolution.
One or both partners feel emotionally flooded, shut down, or hopeless.
Emotional withdrawal, sarcasm, or contempt dominate the dialogue.
Attempts to resolve it lead to increased tension or stonewalling.
Why it matters: Gridlock erodes emotional safety and creates isolation. These are not just communication issues; they are often rooted in unmet dreams, core values, or attachment injuries.
Therapy Goal: Help couples uncover the deeper values or emotional needs beneath the issue. Tools like the Gottman “Dreams Within Conflict” exercise or EFT attachment-focused interventions allow partners to reconnect at a vulnerable level and find common ground.
Unresolvable Conflict
Definition: Irreconcilable but manageable differences in values, identity, or worldviews. Unresolvable conflicts stem from deeply embedded identity or belief system differences.
These may never fully align, yet can still be navigated with mutual respect, boundaries, and emotional maturity.
Common Examples:
Unresolvable trauma/betrayal (emotional, physical, or sexual abuse), infidelity, addictions, etc.
Strong disagreement about marriage roles, gender identity, or monogamy boundaries.
Core values conflict. One partner is religious, the other is not, etc.
Differences in parenting styles are influenced by culture or upbringing.
Why it matters: Trying to "convert" or "fix" a partner’s core beliefs leads to erosion of respect and increases shame or resentment. Healthy relationships are not built on agreement in all things, but on the ability to coexist with empathy and grace.
Therapy Goal: Shift the couple’s mindset from “resolving” to “accepting.” Focus on boundary setting, emotional tolerance, and values-based decision-making. Use Imago or narrative therapy to explore how these beliefs were formed and where compromise may (or may not) be possible.
How Couples Can Transform Conflict into Connection
Each couple carries a default conflict pattern, often shaped by early attachment, communication style, and emotional coping habits. Understanding these patterns helps partners step out of reactivity and into intentional repair.
For clarity, happy couples engage in conflict as much as unhappy couples, and regarding similar issues. Conflict does not need to take away from the relationship. Conflict can be an opportunity for growth for the individual and couple, a deepened connection, and enhanced intimacy. Through conflict, we have the opportunity to learn about ourselves and our partner which is how we move forward in the relationship leading to a strong and lasting connection versus emotional pain and disengagement.
The goal of conflict is to understand and compromise, not necessarily always agree. It is important to express thoughts and feelings openly to address the root causes of conflict and work towards a resolution. We do not want to persuade our partners that they should adopt our mindset in lieu of their own, nor to influence them into submission. We want to operate from a place of empathy, curiosity, validation, and compassion in our relationships. Effective strategies for managing conflict in relationships involve several key approaches that focus on communication, understanding, and mutual respect.
In our couple work together, the therapeutic focus we are exploring is that conflict can be constructive if approached correctly. I will remind you both of this important concept each session: Conflict is growth trying to happen!
Important to remember: no one needs to be perfect to maintain a connection during conflict, and with practice, healthier conflict management is attainable if you practice supportive communication skill-building.
Conflict management success has one rule that must be applied at all times: There must be a speaker and a listener. Listening is half of the communication regarding effective conflict management!
The following guidelines are ways to manage or resolve conflict by following and practicing the following guidelines. By establishing supportive and safe boundaries, couples can experience conflict with more respect and calmness, leading to a stronger connection.
During Conflict: Use a calm approach, take turns speaking, and use "I" statements to express feelings and needs. Focus on repair attempts to de-escalate conflicts.
Listening: One partner should be the speaker and the other the listener. Listening should be non-defensive, and partners should try to understand each other's emotions and perspectives. Asking open-ended questions and summarizing what the partner says can help in understanding.
Speaking: When speaking, the focus should be on expressing feelings and beliefs honestly without trying to persuade the partner.
Gridlock and Dialogue: Move from unresolvable and gridlocked to open dialogue by focusing on understanding the underlying needs, thoughts, and desires of each partner and finding ways to honor these within the relationship.
Establish Boundaries and Compromise: Set boundaries to ensure respect during arguments and be willing to compromise when possible. If issues cannot be resolved, agree to disagree and focus on what matters most.
Check Defenses and Anger: Be aware of defensive and offensive reactions and underlying emotions like hurt or embarrassment that may trigger anger. Take time to cool down and approach conflicts with a goal of achieving a win-win outcome.
Win-Win Solutions: Commit to finding solutions and compromises that work for both partners. This involves purposeful listening and cooperative brainstorming to reach a resolution that satisfies both parties.
Gaining important practice and increasing success in managing conflict: These strategies emphasize the importance of maintaining respect, understanding, and using effective communication to manage conflicts constructively in relationships. Per the Gottman Method: “Within every complaint, there is a longing that can guide partners to a solution”. When that need and or longing is expressed, a path or formula for how to fulfill our needs may emerge and take shape in our relationships.
Common Conflict Patterns (To Address in Therapy):
Avoidance: Delaying or denying issues. "Let’s not talk about it."
Attack/Defend: Escalation with criticism or reactive justification.
Pursuer/Withdrawer: One partner pushes for resolution, the other retreats emotionally.
Stonewalling: Shutting down to protect oneself, often at the cost of the relationship.
Healthier Conflict Approaches:
Use "I feel..." statements instead of blame.
Practice emotional regulation tools before, during, and after difficult discussions.
Name the need behind the frustration: safety, respect, support, or clarity.
Schedule intentional conflict conversations with time limits and breaks.
Evidence-Based Tools to Address Conflict
Gottman Method
Teaches "soft startup," repair attempts, and emotional bids.
Uses the “Four Horsemen” framework and their antidotes.
Helps distinguish solvable vs. perpetual problems.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Focuses on attachment wounds and unmet needs behind conflict.
Helps partners respond with emotional presence instead of defense.
De-escalates conflict cycles and rebuilds safety.
Congratulations to each of you for your continued courage and commitment to be other-centered and work together to enhance your relationship!
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